Following on from thinking about saying
“Yes” more and taking more risks, I started to think about how
dementia sufferes have to live in the moment. Memory loss ensures
this. We seem to interpret this as a huge negative – and for others
it may well be. But for the person concerned, if we can learn to
value this and respond positively to it, how much better would their
lives be?
Most of us are mindful of consequences
– it's a good way to ensure survival – but have we moved past
this to letting ourselves be inhibited in the present by always
thinking ahead?
I was told possibly the most positive
thing I have ever heard around dementia from the son of a lady with
considerable memory loss. He said that, at first, visiting her in the
safe home had been a huge trial. He and his wife had cared for mum
for as long as they could but work and young children made this an
impossibility. They felt guilty at “Giving up” but exhaustion was
damaging them, their children and their relationship. The first
visits were a nightmare of trying to talk, trying to keep a mother
and son relationship alive. Then he realised, that was gone. It hurt
but the next time he saw his Mum he just went with whatever she said.
She was so much more relaxed and he began to see a lovely woman, not
his Mum but a lovely person. A couple of visits later she told him it
was great to talk to him because he was a good listener. She said
that another man used to come but he was always thinking about other
things and was never really interested in her. He did check with the
carers but as he guessed, he was the only man visiting.
He said that learning from his Mum to
stay with what is in front of you was a huge gift. It works for him
as a father and as a manager.
We have to analyse and plan ahead but
unless that is the purpose of our being with others, let's stay
focused on the real people.
It all comes down to being with the
living person you are with rather than the imaginary outcomes in your
head.
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